The Secret Life of the Nazgul
by Tintenschwert
Summary: Ever wondered what was the life of a nazgul really like? What they did in their 3000 year vacation? Well then, wonder no more! Look beyond the surface, and find out, among other things, why 5 hates everything and everyone!
1. Chapter 1

**The secret Lifes of the Nazgul**

Disclaimer: Nazguls are part of Lord of the Rings which belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I am not Tolkien. Conclusion: Nazgul are not mine. And every other thing also isn´t.

Summary: If you were a Nazgul, what would you do with your spare time? I mean, you had 3000 years after the war to spend your time...and look at the life of the Nazguls through the eyes of #5. Find out why he hates everyone and everything!

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Finding Names

The nine Nazgul were standing in Barad-Dûr, inside the empty throne room. When they were still alive they had been kings, nine rulers of the humans. Now they had a problem (apart from cloaks, orcs everywhere, dark powers and their decaying): What should they call themselves? They had forgotten their true names when they became Nazgul, the only thing they could remember was what had been their respective realms. Typical for kings, not knowing who they were, BUT knowing what was theirs. Because they would not call each other by names like "The once-king of Angmar" or "The one who ruled _insert-name-of-country-here_" they chose another way. (originally they had something else in mind, just inventing names, but 1) most of them had a really bad memory and 2) it was like a tattoo, you couldn´t get rid of it so easily. Their new way was to use numbers. The result was:

I wanna be #1.

_No way, you´re #5._

Why?

_Why is he the #5? Why am I the #7? I claim at least the #4._

_I_ am the #4, go find your own!

_Ok, then I´m the 27._

Why that? We´re only 9, dumbass.

_Don´t call me dumbass, I can choose whatever number I want, I was a king._

So was I!

_Me too!_

I bet I was a better king than you could ever had been, dumbass.

_He is the dumbass._

Shut up!

They only shut up when Sauron showed up and counted up.

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author´s talk: revies are desired, constructive criticism appreciated and flames will be used to annoy Sauron. 


	2. Chapter 2

**The secret Lifes of the Nazgul**

Disclaimer: Nazguls are part of Lord of the Rings which belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I am not Tolkien. Conclusion: Nazgul are not mine. And every other thing also isn´t.

Summary: If you were a Nazgul, what would you do with your spare time? I mean, you had 3000 years after the war to spend your time...and look at the life of the Nazguls through the eyes of #5.

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The story of poor Nazgul #5

I hate my life.Why? Well, there are precisely 8 reasons. Exactly, the other ringwraiths. I hate them. I hate them all. I hate everything and everyone!

At first my life was great: I was king (great kingdom, treasures, subordinates and a really cool castle) At home I was the cool guy with the bling-bling crown. Then it got even better. Such strange fellow from the East showed up and offered me a ring of power. At first I wanted to decline ( I was already married and not gay) but then thought that in his country it was probably rude to do so, so I took the ring. It wasn´t pretty, but it looked expensive and you do good not upsetting people who give you expensive gifts. It was fun while it lasted.

But what now? I am the cloak-wearing servant of a giant eyeball. Together with 8 other idiots. How I hate them!

_5, could you do that? Go feed the beasts, 5! 5, would you mind to... 5, can you help me with, It would be so awesome, 5, if you could just..._

Damn! I wasn´t one of the superior four, but for the inferior four I am a fancy sissy-boy. Is it my fault 5 is in the middle?

My suggestion was a race to determine who would get which number, but noooooooooo!

The almighty Sauron had to show off he could remember 9 different rhymes for counting up. Whooo. Idiot!

I don´t have a kingdom, I am nearly blind, have to wear that black dress all day long, the only people I can hang out are those 8 morons and when the fine lord Sauron decided to take a 3000 year vacation whose job was it to watch out over his realm? Exactly, ours!

I´m fed up with feeding his beasts, trample on the flowers, kicking orcs and sorting his mail. I hate my life!

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author´s talk: reviews are always appreciated, flames will be used to warm my cocoa 


	3. Chapter 3

**The secret Lifes of the Nazgul**

Disclaimer: Nazguls are part of Lord of the Rings which belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I am not Tolkien. Conclusion: Nazgul are not mine. And every other thing also isn´t.

Summary: If you were a Nazgul, what would you do with your spare time? I mean, you had 3000 years after the war to spend your time...and look at the life of the Nazguls through the eyes of #5.

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The story of poor Nazgul #5 part 2

Life sucks.

My life sucks.

Really sucks.

This days sucks. "Go find the ring and bring it to me" did he say, "Search for the halfling" did he say. Yes, really great. I asked #2 what a halfling is. He answered they were short and hairy. Terrific. If you´re 2, 10m tall and always surrounded by black cloaks, metal, lava, orcs and a big eye, most people tend to be smaller than you. And compared to us, everyone is hairy. Great. This is the genius speaking from #2 again.I wonder how he managed to get his job. He was probabla an usurptor or had made a putsch. I did it the old way, I inherited everything. And I had a very little, tiny bit to do with the unexpected passing of my father. Honestly. And thsi is how things end.

Is it my fault the stupid eye lost its ring? And why the hell needs a giant eye-ball a ring? "To look at it." says #2. Oh yes, just keep going. You know, someday there will be an accident between you, my foot and a big cliff.

Now I´m supposed to travel through all the country, just because #8 said he once invaded a country that was next to a country where there were a lot of little, hairy people. If I see as much as one dwarf there I´ll kill him! #8 is just being annyoing. And where is our #1, the great witch-king? He rode to the Weathertop. To look for the halfling he said. Bullshit! He´s only there because a new tavern has opened there, this old booze-head. ..Baggins...which idiot calls himslef Baggins? Come to think of it, could be the relatives of #2.

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author´s talk:boy, this story is old. I practically stumbled over it. Once created from a silly idea...expanding to this.

originally written and posted in German. But from personal experience I know that the probability of getting read is higher when written in English, because of the amount of people looking for english stories is significantly higher than the one of the people looking for german stories. So, self-translated and posted in English.


	4. Chapter 4

**The secret Lifes of the Nazgul**

Disclaimer: Nazguls are part of Lord of the Rings which belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I am not Tolkien. Conclusion: Nazgul are not mine. And every other thing also isn´t.

Summary: If you were a Nazgul, what would you do with your spare time? I mean, you had 3000 years after the war to spend your time...and look at the life of the Nazguls through the eyes of #5.

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The Rivendell-Fiasco

Really magnificient planning of yours #1. First stabbing the hairy bugger, the pursue him like the devil at his heels, but then; facing an elf, on elfish land, inside an elvish river? What the hell were you thinking?

Yeah, go on whining because you lost your horsie. Guess what, mine is gine, too. And no, I´m certainly not going to walk all the way back to Mordor. Go figure somethimg out, you wanted to be the #1 if I recall correctly.

Hitchhiking? Well, good luck with that one.

I don´t really care where exactly #2 got this donkey. All I´m saying is that it could take a little eternity before he arrives in Mordor.

#3 and #4 are going on a tandem bike. What the hell is the meaning of tandem?

Yes, #6. The pogo-stick was a stupid idea. I think, too, that this gritting and cracking comes from your bones. Yeah, I believe it hurts really bad.

The one-cycle was #7´s idea. I told you, he wasn´t the king, he was just the royal jester who stole the king´s ring. I know he can juggle and breathe fire. And he has a little hat with bells under the hood.

#8 went swimming back. I don´t think we´ll ever see him again, boys.

And I ride piggy-pack on #9. Get off, that was my idea first.

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I once scribbled a picture of how the nazgul would get back to Mordor after loosing their horses at Rivendell. Think of bicycles, inline skates, tandem bikes, donkeys, ostrichs, pogo-sticks, skaetboards, hitchhiking, hiking, travel by boat, swimming, piggy-pack, ... 


	5. Chapter 5

**The Secret life of the Nazgul**

Disclaimer: not mine, precioussssssss

Thanks: out to my incredible reviewers, manymanymany thanks to spectator12 and Verity Kindle

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Finding Names II

After the incredibly humiliating incident of counting up by Sauron the Nazgul had decided (in unison) that their horses deserved a better fate than "Horse of #1" or „#3 the Second".

Alas the horses received proper, own names:

#1 called his horse "Slave"; the other 8 had mercy for the horse...and it´s rider´s mental stability

The horse of #2 was called "Binky".

After they prevented #5 from skinning #2 alive, #3 baptised his horse as "Nighthoof". Cheesy, but way better than the previous tries.

#4´s horse was named "Pegasus Lightenshine". He declared once again that he was here by his own volition and of of his free will and no, he did not take the wrong turn when trying to reach Lothlorien. He didn´t. For real. Honestly.

After a long discussion if it was morally and ethically alright to trust #5 with a living being he chose the most terrifying horse, it bit his arm and happy to have found some soul-relationship #5 called his horse "Demise". Short and it had a certain ring to it. While his maniac laughter (hissing/screaming/screeching) the others took one step further away from him (horses included).

The horse of #6 was only known as "Dammit!Fuck!"

No one knew why the horse of #7 listened to the name "Jack", but it did.

#8 called his horse "Dwarf-Smasher" (after a story which he never talked about, but featured a dwarf, one hammer and two broken toes)

And finally, #9 let go of the reins of his horse and spent three very funny (very funny for the others) hours to chase it through half Mordor. When he could breathe properly again, he called his horse "Stamper". No one questioned why, but they could imagine.

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Author´s talk: reviews...oh why bother... 


	6. Chapter 6

**The secret Life of the Nazgul**

The story of poor Nazgul #5

Disclaimer: I do not claim any ownership of Nazgul or anything related with Tolkiens´Lord of the Rings. Honestly.

Thanks: to all my awesome reviwers, spectator12, Verity Kindle, Gord and V

(PS: There is an online-test where you can look which Nazgul you are. From go to the quizsite and look for the Nazgul-Quiz)

* * *

It totally sucks being a Nazgul. I mean, I wear black all day, am surrounded by idiots and to top it all, i´ve lost most of my senses. Which gruesome fate leaves me, especially in Mordor where there is sulphur, lava, ashes and stinking orcs, with my smelling sense at his peak? I hate everything.

Recently Looky (Sauron) had a great idea. "Let´s unite with Orthanc!"

Yeah, exactly! Unite yourself with the white wizard, a wise, powerful Istari who betrayed his colleagues he has known for thousands of years within the blink of an eye. I wonder how trustful Saruman is...Lying and Betraying follow his footstep like his ugly Uruks.

And how wonderful my master thinks of the Uruk-Hai! Yeah, ight: torture the elves until they become orcs, but too dumb to juts try it once with breeding. One guy in a white dress managed what you couldn´t do in millenias. Aren´t you supposed to worry just a tiny bit?

But noooooo. No one listens to #5. Just ignore #5, he doesn´t know anything at all. He just was one of the most powerful humans ever, but nooo, don´t listen to me. Just as #1 did when I said "listen, I think t´s a bad idea to ride into an elvish river, near the elvisch lord, on elven country, following an elf." But doesn anybody ever listen to me? No!

But whining afterwards, that´s how we like it!

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author´s talk: thank you all for reading this story. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Das geheime Leben der Nazgul**

Disclaimer still not mine. See?

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The story of poor Nazgul #5 Part V

We are now back on our way to Mordor. After various adventures, little to medium slaughters and one nasty incident with #4 and an imprinted duck family all 9 Nazgul are together again. In the middle of a stupid, dark, ugly, shroubberish forest full of damn trees. I hate Nature. I hate green, twigs, shroubberies, trees, animals (except for the snake which bit #2, I love that one), herbs, trees and nature.

After three longs days of stomping through plants I´m fed up. No one is motivated to anything except massmurder. But no, #1 our fearless leader, daddy´s darling wants to get back to mordor to kiss Sauron´s feet. And because he´s a horrible tell-tale we have to go along with him. How I hate him.

Oh, a campfire was suggested by #1. Helloho! Nazgul, fire, bad combination. Just because YOU once were a boy scout doesn´t mean everyone loves camping. I hate nature. And I hate YOU!

#8 reeks. Of fish. I did tell him swimming in a metal armor is a really dumb idea, but did he listen? NO! No one ever does.

Who listened to me when I said that it was a bad idea to lend #2 that battle-axe? Well, you didn´t #7.

Or when #4 wanted to open up a thermal bath...inside Mount Doom!

I hate you all!

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author´s talk: next chapter ready. And the link did not work, the site with the Nazgul test is www. arwen - undomiel . com (delete the spaces) 


	8. Chapter 8

**The Secret Life of the Nazgul**

The story of poor Nazgul #5 Part VI

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.

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Who of us could have imagined that the master meant "Symphony of Terror" literally?

Well, we didn´t. Now we should produce a musical. For real, seriously. In our pure innocence (oh really?) we believed Looky (Sauron) thought of "Painful screams of tortured souls", "The sounds full of agony and anguish by dying adversaries" or "The cracking of bones and ripping of tissue". But no, it was meant literally.

And now we are in charge of organisation and performance.

#1 is our primadonna. My opinion? Doesn´t surprise me one bit. We are used to his diva-escapades by now. And he wrote all the lyrics, including "Praise the Nazgul", "Dark Mordor" and "Serenade of the Witch King". (Diva, that´s all I´m saying)

#2 got the best job of all. Set designer. How I hate him. **I** wanted to hack on wood all day and yell at orcs how to improve themselves. Damn it!

#3 has to play the conductor. Haha! He should teach a bunch of orcs and trolls how to make music. We were kings once, we don´t have imagination, inspiration for art or talent for lyric/music. That´s why we keep lots of inferiors who HAVE to listen to us.

#4 wants to make the costumes. No surprise if you ask me (which you don´t)

#6 is the souffleur. Sitting behind a prop and whispering to people what they should have said. Which friggin idiot had this idea? Are Nazgul-voices clearly understandable? We don´t talk so strange because of our own volition, we have no choice. Except for #4 who worships grammar, pronounciation and such shit.

#7 is responsible for choreography. On the one side a great job, because you can order orcs around all you want, on the other side it´s stupid if you don´t have the slightest sense of rhythym, music or you don´t have acrobatic talent. (like me). He wants to include summersaults, dancing on tightropes and firebreathing. WTF?

#8 is the leader of the choir. O man, I didn´t laugh that much in a day ever! Trolls, orcs...singing??? My sides still hurt from laughing

#9 should provide the entertainment in the breaks. The only time he was entertaining was when he got caught in that stone avalanche and spent two hours digging himself out. I stood beside him the whole time and laughed my guts out.

Me? I´m the drummer. I´m sitting in the back of the orchestra and pound on drums and make as much noise as I want, despite what the conductor says. I would have a bright future on a slave ship, I tell you.

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author´s talk: And the next chapter is online 


	9. Chapter 9

**The Secret Life of the Nazgul**

The story of poor Nazgul #5 Part VII

Disclaimer: Nazguls are part of Lord of the Rings which belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I am not Tolkien. Conclusion: Nazgul are not mine. And every other thing also isn´t.

Summary: If you were a Nazgul, what would you do with your spare time? I mean, you had 3000 years after the war to spend your time...and look at the life of the Nazguls through the eyes of #5.

The story of poor Nazgul #5 Part VIII

Disclaimer: Nazguls are part of Lord of the Rings which belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I am not Tolkien. Conclusion: Nazgul are not mine. And every other thing also isn´t.

Summary: If you were a Nazgul, what would you do with your spare time? I mean, you had 3000 years after the war to spend your time...and look at the life of the Nazguls through the eyes of #5.

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Cooking classes.

Cooking. Classes.

Cooking? Classes?

Cooking!!!!!

WTF?

OK..Looky has officially lost it. Why should we _cook_ for those Orcs? I mean...hello-ho?

Except from the sheer insanity of it itself.

1) I don´t want to.

2) I can´t cook. (I was a king once. Do you really believe I can do more than boiling water? And now that I´m a Nazgul...I don´t go near fire. No Way!)

3) Have I mentioned loss of senses? I don´t have taste buds anymore.

4) Why even cook for Orcs? They happily indulge in cannibalism if they need to.

5) I hate the orcs!

6) ...I hate to repeat myself, but WTF?

#1 has told us those news on a particulary gloomy day. (Yes, all the days in Mordor are gloomy, but that was just asking for something bad to happen. I swear, destiny is picking on me.) I hate it! Sauron siad it was not exactly healthy what the orcs were eating all along and he made them go on a diet. And to maintain the strength of his troops he must provide food. Or force us to do that. How I hate him...

#1 himself didn´t look _too_ thrilled with the idea. And he is Sauron´s favorite -I´ll do anything for the guy more powerful than me- daddy´s boy. Creepy...

Surprisingly (or very much not surprising at all) this idea has struck some chords among us. Among several of us.

#4 clapped his hands cheerily and stated that this would be "total fun and cute".

_Ever seen a Nazgul say "cute"? New meaning of the word bizarre._

And the lunatic called #7 just ran off to fetch some wood, a torch, dead meat and a bit of Saruman´s exploding powder...I don´t care whether that is enthusiastic, honorable, scary or obedient...I say he´s a pyromaniac and endangers us all.

Hey, it´s only 9 Nazgul. We are an endangered species: just few individuals, our natural environment is under attack (stupid humans, stupid elves, stupied hairy non-dwarves..and dwarves...how I hate dwarves!) and our chance of reproducing is lower than 0. Zero, zero-zero. Minus chances of reproducing. (In my past life I would have ticked out at that. But apparently being dead/undead/nazguilish drastically reduces your sex drive. Or it is the fact that you´re surrounded by orcs...beats me.)

Of course has #1 already started to prepare. By organizing some cooking books.

I was only mildly surprised that #2 took that literally and tried to cook his book. It couldn´t have hurt if he had been using actually boiling water and a kettle- instead of just mud and a rock.

#9 is trying to make up for his last -very embarassing - escapades (you don´t wanna now. I am currently occupied by erasing that two days from my memory) by not screwing this up. I could have told him he was holding that thing upside down. But I didn´t felt like it...

Me? Oh, I had a tremendous idea: why not asking someone who can cook? Ok, I admit:

I wanted to go away and hide. But she can cook. Sort of...I guess domestic abilities just come with females by birth...but she´s great.

I think we´re just on the same wavelength. We could spend days together, just talking. Oh boy, has she such a sweet voice...Am I sounding dreamy again? But...Shelob is something. She is the one in a million.

And she lets me hide in her lair when #1/Looky/orcs are looking for me. Which I am currently doing.

Spent a terrific day with Shelob. I tell you, she has some designer talents. Those cob webs everywhere...neat. And she introduced me to her babies...all the 23.446 of them. I felt so fuzzy inside. Dreamy alert!

Was holding hands (sort of) with Shelob. Amazing day!

Were disturbed by an explosion. I am sorry to leave her now, but I´ll come back as soon as I sneaked my way out of responsibility and guilt accusing.

While walking down the rocky ground, whistling a merry tune (yes, I think of funeral marches as "merry tunes") I saw the catastrophe.

#7 has (once again) managed to blow himself up. He is upside down in his dented kettle ad trying to wriggle his way out. I kicked the kettle. Twice. And rolled it down a little hill. He had it coming.

#9 is scratching his head/hood and is looking quite confused. He was aiming for a soup. He still doesn´t know how he managed to bake a strawberry cake.

#4 is still hacking vegetables. He looks so silly with that pink apron.

There was obviously some sort of misunderstanding with #6. He is trying to cook AN ORC. ...not a bad idea, I must admit.

Well, at least someone is enjoying himself. #2 is eating the book he "cooked". Said it doesn´t taste as bad as predicted...worse. But all things taste like ash to us, so who cares?

A wild horde of orcs is chasing #3. I don´t know what he has done. and certainly don´t care.

#1 has forced #8 to be his minion and do the actual cooking while he will administrating everything. Great move, Einstein! You didn´t do any work at all...but now #8 can say it was all your fault because you were responsible.

(Looks like this: #8 is pointing an accusing finger at #1: It´s his fault!!! then he runs away.)

Whe they ask me where the hell I´ve been I give them the bowl with the soup I have been preparing. I´m not that lazy...ok, I am. Shelob did the work.

I could have told them that the "soup" is a dissolved orc and technically it´s still cannibalism...but I didn´t.

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author´s opinion: staying up until 5 pm (that chapter was written at 3pm-ish) seems to boost my creativity. You decide if that´s actually more a bad idea...


	10. Chapter 10

**The Secret Life of the Nazgul**

The story of poor Nazgul #5 Part VIII

Disclaimer: Nazguls are part of Lord of the Rings which belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I am not Tolkien. Conclusion: Nazgul are not mine. And every other thing also isn´t.

Summary: If you were a Nazgul, what would you do with your spare time? I mean, you had 3000 years after the war to spend your time...and look at the life of the Nazguls through the eyes of #5.

sorry for the long absence folks.

thanks to: artsfan, ichliebepie, Dalia N´Shard, estrid 2006 and idiot 7

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"Teamwork," he says. "Team.Work." 

"You´re not entirely fitting in our society, #5. I can´t see you trying, but I am convinced that -deep down in your little black heart -you strive to be a helpful, esteemed, working and beloved member of your developping and expanding community.Your efforts are just not as visible as I hoped they would be, but I´m sure we can work that out.

You see, as one of the Ringwraiths you carry a certain responsibility; you are a role model for the entire Mordorian population. I need you, all of you, to spread our culture and beliefs, to carry on with our traditions and our national legacy. Certainly you understand that our pride and honor..."

( I tell you, these managmement courses Looky took last weekend bode ill for us all)

blablabla...what a big load of BS! Teamwork, honor, society...Hello-ho!!!!

YOU betrayed the elves, men and dwarves. You forged the ONE ring! They had at least three of them (and cooperated). ONE ring to rule them ALL.

Does "teamwork" strike you as a subtext here? No, it doesn´t? Well, bloody hell no! You silly hypocrite! You lying, treacherous, slimy bastard! I hate you!

_some time later_

I love Sauron! Teamwork is like MY thing! I love his ways of establishing camaderie and friendship among our brave and prosperous community.

FOOTBALL! That is so MY game. I could play this for hours!

Which I am going to do.

_some time later_

I spend the happiest hours in my enitre life until #1 mentioned that the game does not concist of kicking people in the BALLS with your FOOT. Oh man! I mean, this were the coolest four hours ever and now you tell me it was technically not even allowed? Screw you! Come on, everyone could have made that mistake. Why don´t you give this game a better, more understandable name? This could have happened to anyone, I bet.

They _could_ have told me that, before I emasculated half of our army

(spiked metal boots + sensitive anatomy equals: not good)

I´m banned from the playfield arena forever. Sauron sucks. I hate him!

Is it my fault those stupid orcs couldn´t defend themselves from one simple kick to their crotch? In my opinion, they deserved it for not being able to defend themselves against it. (Funny. I used the same excuse to slaughter my neighbor country back in the good old "It´s good to be the King"-days. I miss those.

We originally planned to play in teams of 9. Since I´m banned from ever setting foot on the arena (and #4 volunteered for cheerleading) it´s 7 against 7 now.

_some time later_

Go! Nazguls! Trust me, the only thing I hate more than those morons (aka fellow Ringwraiths) are orcs.

(except Sauron, the gay guy in the wedding dress and fish. I hate fish! Die fish!)

I painted my face in our team´s colors. Unfortunately, black under a hood isn´t the real deal. And Sauron confiscated my "Axe of Glory" (has a ring to it, neh?). Only because I decapitated some people when I was "celebrating" our first goal. It was an accident man!

snorfle+ As if! I loved how the blood splattered when I hit those damn punks. I just love the sound when you reach the spine. Killing is fun!

#4 looks like he´s in shock. Standing there, the grey pompons dangling from his hands, blood on his coat...pathetic if you ask me. He doesn´t even react to my insults anymore. Meh, what a boring pansy!

_some time later_

The game´s exciting. It is evenly matched, if I dare to say so. The orcs dash forward like the barbarians they are, back down when the boys hiss at them and do it right again. Maybe Sauron should have told the Uruks that you´re not allowed to bring your weapons in the arena (what about my axe of glory???)

They picked #1 to keep goal. Makes him feel important, makes him stay out of the others ways.

#7 is surprisingly good at this game...swinging that lance at the opponent´s goalkeeper was my idea by the way.

#2 is staying behind to be a second protection for our goal...or because he can´t run very fast in his robe. He keeps stumbling over the hem and makes just a bigger ididot out of him. As usual

#6 and #3 are attacking the troll who´s guarding the goal. With broadswords (I should be team captain)

#9 is watching over the ball ( a severed orc´s head. My gift to the game) He´s not dribbling, just standing next to it and looking at it.

And #8 is distracting the other team by bringing his felbeast to game. (Ok, that was his idea...I improved it by attaching spiked armoury to the felbeast and disposing various corpses underneath its feet) Suckers!

The game was a big success on our teamwork after all. After my "Axe of Glory" was gone (as well as my "Scythe of Pride" and the "Very nasty Spear") I resorted to archery and shot poisonous arrows at the orcs. I didn´t touch the damn arena, I was on the tribune all the day. ...ok, most of the audience are dead by now (courtesy of the "Claymore of Doom!!!") but I do feel more connected to those morons I have to call comrades. I still think they suck and I hate their guts, but we _can_ make a damn fine team. If we want...which I don´t.

_some time later_

The arena was bursting in flames, corpses of orcs laying everywhere and me -very happily- standing on a fresh pile of "orcs á la flambeé". Ash is everywhere and I´m feeling good. Could be the thrill of killing..or that I just set those idiots on fire. It´s good to be a hooligan!

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don´t worry, next chapter is already in production. I hop that will be up in a few days.

PS: the gay guy in the wedding dress is Saruman.


	11. Chapter 11

**The Secret Life of the Nazgul**

The story of poor Nazgul #5 Part IX

Disclaimer: Nazguls are part of Lord of the Rings which belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I am not Tolkien. Conclusion: Nazgul are not mine. And every other thing also isn´t.

Summary: If you were a Nazgul, what would you do with your spare time? I mean, you had 3000 years after the war to spend your time...and look at the life of the Nazguls through the eyes of #5.

sorry for the long absence folks.

thanks to: PeppyPower, Straw Hat Shirayuki, Dalia N´Shard and artsfan

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Warfare. 

He wants us to practice war. Technically, I´m all for that. I love war! But that´s not exactly what I had in mind...dammit!

Looky says he´s improving his tactic. That´s why we are all in the outback of Mordor: training, running, shouting orders, more running, killing the unobedient, more running, kicking subordinates...you get the picture.

#1 is our head organizer. He sits just there on his lazy butt, studies scrolls with formations, our troop records. He´s calculating something. I hate math. Back in the old days I established a new law: the "King is always right" math protocol.

Basically it means that my results are always right. That´s why the math in my country is still based on 1, 2, 4, and Double-4. (And Double-Double-4, and Double-Double-Double 4.)

#4 is writing our battle plans. The sheer absurdity of it.

Orcs can´t read!

(Neither can I but that´s beside the point.)

Even if the orcs/goblins/Uruk-Hai _could_ read, why should they follow any orders than "Do as I say or I´ll kill you!", "Yaaargh!" or "Kill the dwarf!"

And furthermore, in the heat of battle, why should anyone read instructions? Brightly colored headlines with neat little drawings of orcs with smiley faces? A map drawn with flowers and a sun with a face?

And especially instructions that have been written in rosé ink on a apricosé colored human skin.

(I´m disgusted that I even know these word)

#7 is our chief of arms. Which stupid idiot had that idea? Why him? I´d have anyone but him doing that, anyone. Even a one-eyed, half dead orc. Or an elf. I would have actually preferred a dwarf doing this. And I hate dwarfs. I loathe them. Even the smell of a dwarf (Why did I say "even"? A dwarf is only defined by his smell alone. A dwarf is smell. Stench. Gross. EW!)

Imagine a pyromaniac in the range of explosive powder, pointy objects, spikes, sharp edges. Good thing I´m staying at Shelob´s place for a while now.

#9 is our messenger boy. Running from one part of the army to another, back to #1 for the new orders, a quick detour to #6 to translate what #1 had said, back to Sauron to ask if he should really say this, over to #7 to get a shield, run to an orc, tell him to relay the message and then go behind a large solid objets for cover.

#2 is moping. "Why couldn´t I be #1? Why am I in second place?" He´s annoying. I hate him. Also he´s the horse men. Means he´s tending our 9 horses. Including my "Demise". I mean, it´s not like I like Demise. I don´t like anything. (Shelob´s ...special. Normal terms don´t apply to her.) But all my not-worries about my horse which I not don´t like have proven total BS. She nearly bit his hand off. That was the (not very) glorious end of our horse master.

Actually, the end was when Dammit!Fuck! trampled him over.

#8 is the head (and sole member) of the "Smasher of the Little" corps. Since he has issues (major issues) with anything that´s not at least 130 cm. (Halflings, dwarfs, small animals, midgets, orcs, plants) he has permission to terminate everything that´s spooking him. Means that he is running around with a giant hammer and squashing things. Yes, he is squashing molfs. ( MOLF: the Mordorian Orc Liberation Front.) That are orcs who can´t cope with orders from Uruks and persons taller then themselves. Actually, I was thinking about joining him (it´s the best idea I´ve heard in years). But that would mean support in some ways and I don´t do that. Besides, I would have to take orders from him. And I don´t like taking orders from anyone. Especially not that nut job.

#6 was voted as our official taunter. He is standing at our battle line and yelling insults at the enemy. He is not really helpful. The purpose of a taunter is to unnerve, to upset, to provoke the enemy into making mistakes. The only thing he manages until now is confusion. Not only are his insults not very insulting ("You mother stinks of orc feet!" "So what?"), no one can understand him talking. A Nazgul isn´t capable of anything but hissing and screeching.

Our mental guide job was given to #3. He should offer psychological help. You know, trauma cases, phantom limb pain, despair, losing of that homicidal, savage rage, hallucinations, the berserk rage.We don´t know if he´s accomplishing anything because he´s sitting on a stone chanting "Reudfay asway nay diotiay" for two days. But since there is no one complaining about a lack of help (since orcs are either too proud, too stubborn, too dumb or too dead to ask for help) we consider it as a success.

I was promoted to our field doctor. I mostly use boiling tar, dirt, knifes with blunt edges, acid, slime and his sword. I love my job. There is nearly no orc out there without any injury I might help him. Shelob says that the rusty saw makes me look really educatd and noble. She really is something...

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Author´s note: Sorry it took me so long. And especially thanks to artsfan who basically kicked my lazy butt to get something done. Thanks. It may sound masochistic, but I needed something like that.) 


	12. Bonus Chapter

**The Secret Life of the Nazgul**

The story of queer Nazgul #4 Part I

Disclaimer: Nazguls are part of Lord of the Rings which belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I am not Tolkien. Conclusion: Nazgul are not mine. And every other thing also isn´t.

Summary: If you were a Nazgul, what would you do with your spare time? I mean, you had 3000 years after the war to spend your time...and look at the life of the Nazguls through the eyes of #4.

Explanation: Hiya guys. To make up for my long absence here is a complete novum to the story. You can take a peek in #4´s diary!

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This is a **bonus chapter** for my loyal/awesome/rocking/superspecialawesome/cool/supportive readers!

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**Wednesday**

Mood: Fabulous

I was promoted to chief designer of the new armory. I´d say, away with all those nasty rusty spikes and the ugly dents. The future is shiny, I tell you.

My vision is stainless steel, mybe a little bee motif so I can finally put those cute little antennae on the new helmets. That means big eyes. And I _mean_ big eyes.This is also totally cool for warfare (not that I support war, it´s gruesome, disgusting, it has to go); it means a wider field of sight.

(I really like my new job as the designer. Finally I can live my dream and share my creations with the world. It´s so awesome. But I guess I´ll have to settle for some compromises to not tick Master off.)

And dear diary, there was this absolutely cool, new shiny chainmail shirt in the tower. It was so bright, spatkling and _shiny_. Fabulous!

This thing is better than my ring.

(Don´t get me wrong, I love my ring. It´s a little tribute to my goth side, I admit.But hey, it´s stylish. Besides, it was a gift from Master. That was so sweet when he gave it to me.)

Anyway, dear diary, I have to stop now. I´m all out of my favorite biscuits and _need_ to go to Rivendell.

Tah-tah

**Friday**

Mood: Fabulous

Dear diary, I´m back from Elly and his kids. Gosh, they look so adorable. That silky black hair, those big eyes...aww! So cute!

And Elly himself, you know, he´s more the mature type. the scholar, the wise man: he has experience. Dignity.

Oh- quick idea. I should name my newest eau de toilette creation after him. Either it´s "Dignity"or, ...no, I´ll call it "Dignity"

That will be just divine. I think he´s more the autumn type, isn´t he? That means that I will have to wait a few weeks before the new herbs and flowers in my garden will blossom.

I love to create things; nice, beautiful, sweet, charming things; it´s my raison d´etre.

Look how the time flies! I´ll have to go, diary. #1 has summoned us to discuss something. I made those itty-bitty tofu snacks for the meeting. I hope it´s about the new cafeteria plan; this junk food is just bad.

It´s not healthy! We need to go one a low carb diet plan if you ask me.

PS: Have I told you that #5 has a girlfriend? He hasn´t told us who she is (he denied her existence and threatened us with death and torture actually) but you can see the signs. Happy hormones. He´s just beaming sometimes! Aww, how sweet!

**Saturday**

Mood: Slightly irritated

The new armor is still not finished. I can´t understand that, I´ve sent the design sheets to #9 three days ago.

I can not work under those cirumstances!

I need my new fashion line.

And a big mocchachino or a grapefruit smoothie.

I want chocolate!

**Sunday**

Mood: disastrous

Oh. My. God.

Brace yourself diary:

I have put on weight! That´s not possible! That can´t be! It must have sneaked stealthily onto me, because I didn´t notice. I have trouble fitting in my new robe. I just custom tailered it for my small waist, and now this. That is so embarrasing! I just hope that the guys don´t ntice anything. I´m already on the edge of a nervous breakdown. If I hear one more stupid thing, I fear for my health.

That´s it with those caramel-vanilla-chocolate pralinés.

No more tiramisu.

No more apple pie.

I have to be strong. I can´t fall into my depressive phase again and I will not return to bulimia.

I need a hug.

**Thursday**

Mood: Fabulous

My new lesson of my long-distance sewing course arrived. Guess what diary:

It´s frills! Frills!

YAY!

First thing I do is redecorating Barad-Dûr. That will look so good when I´m finished.

Aw, the pictures look so cute. I can´t decide whether to start with white or pink now.

I´ll ask #5 what his girlfriend thinks about it.

**Thursday** (later on)

Mood: I don´t want to talk about it.

Ever again.

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author´s note:

What do you think of #4´s thoughts?

It was fun to write (during biology class) but I guess that I´d better stick with #5.


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